Uhm Really?

I don't even know where to begin, cause this post is about to be a giant vent, but before that... I'll update you on what is going on in my life.  Which is has always not a whole lot. 2011 is going to be my year. Just so you all know. I just need to get there. Step by Step Right?  My one dilemma in life is that I love doing so many different things that I am alright at, However.. I haven't found something I am GREAT at. As you can tell by my million blogs. Which you should go check out if you haven't. Hmm What else...? Oh! I redecorated my studio.. which is nice, but that is still a work in progress (so pictures at another time).. Brandon got me a new cellphone, a Blackberry Curve as an early Valentines Day gift = ) So, it's nice to be able to be in contact with society in that way. Today was my first day of Classes.. but we won't get into that.. and on a sadder note... January 31st we had to put Brandon's childhood dog to sleep = /.

So, Here is my Vent. It is something I haven't vented about publically because for the most part I don't like to cause drama and cause I really don't like to talk about it. However, It has been building up inside and I just want to get out.. and I can say it better in a blog then verbally. Maybe no one will read it.. maybe someone will.. I don't care at this point.

I have always been a social person. I have always gone out of my way for others, especially my friends. You see I am the kind of friend who is madly loyal. I have a core group of close friends and then acquaintances pretty much. However, I have never felt my efforts were reciprocated, but I did it anyways. That is fine with me for the most part. It's when it starts being abused,turned around on me or, blatantly unnoticed that my feelings really get hurt. I am naturally a social person. I like going out and having fun, but lately I have become more introverted and some of it by choice, but most of it not. I can't pinpoint when the downfall began exactly, but the turning point would be my last year of high school.

You see, in middle school and high school I was ALWAYS sick and I would see many doctors and they would all say I was fine.. I knew I wasn't. My friends would ask what was up and I would tell them the latest theory only for it to fall through. Soon I stopped telling my friends anything, cause I could see the judgement in their eyes, just like my doctors. Nothing is wrong with her, she is just making it up, she just doesn't want to go to school. I became severely depressed my last year of high school. If I wasn't going to school cause I was sick, I wasn't going because I literally couldn't get out of bed, I was so depressed. You can ask my mom, I was a mess. The Non-stop crying, literally melting into my bed. I just didn't want to exist. I sometimes feel like that now on a bad day or days like today when I am reminded of these times. I was recently diagnosed with a whole bunch of medical issues and I thank my lucky stars that I found Dr. Cook and that he actually listened to my problems and solved them. All of them are big in there own way but the 2 problems that kept me from living my life in middle school and high school and sometimes now are Endometreosis and my allergy to Gluten! Which Means I try to be Gluten free as much as possible.. it is quite hard.

When my friends left for their 1st year of college. I tried to stay in touch as much as possible. I'd write them letters, visit them, and hang out when they came into town. Then something changed. I don't understand exactly why.. and I don't think it is fair and how it all went down just kind of sucks. I started dating Brandon and all of a sudden there was a shift. I don't understand this... my friends all of a sudden didn't want to hang out with him as a group. Invite him and I anywhere and eventually just not inviting me. Now, I understand that there is girl time and couple time and stuff. I never had a problem with this.. BUT they NEVER wanted Brandon around. It was like I was only theirs and I couldn't be shared. Was this cause I devoted so much of my time to them in high school? I don't know. I didn't find it fair cause I never had a problem when they wanted to go hang out with their boyfriends, or have their boyfriends hang with us, but some how the feeling wasn't mutual.

And Then I got Engaged. Lets just say the joy your friends are suppose to have for you, when you get engaged, was never shared with me. Which is absolutely heartbreaking to me, cause I would happy for them. I understand I was/am young and Brandon and I do have our problems.. but I didn't say yes, without thinking through it. That is when people really started treating me differently. and I lost two of my Best Friends.. people I considered sisters and had always been there for. (I won't re-call the whole incident cause It really hurts me to talk about it) but that is when I felt like parents do when they get divorced. My other two friends in the group had to split their time between me and the other two girls and it felt like I was on the losing end.

Then Somehow  it all turned on me and I was the bad friend? I didn't call them to hang out.. I didn't make the effort. but doesn't it work both ways. I have commented their facebooks, I have text them, I have invited them to go out with me, to hang out, to my birthday. Only to be given a second of their time. They haven't taken time out of their day to call me to hang out, to go to lunch, to a party, they haven't texted me or commented on my facebook... So tell me how am I the only one at fault how am I the bad friend? Why do I feel like I am the one being punished? How is THAT fair?  It kills me when I see "friends" all together at a party that I wasn't invited.. when they all made the effort to drive to Santa Barbara to hang out.. yet they couldn't drive 5 minutes out of there way for my birthday party? When I asked if you were going to that persons house for a party (when you knew I already couldn't go) and lie to my face saying they aren't having it... only to see the pictures on facebook. WHY LIE?! I couldn't go anyways... so why couldn't you tell me. My favorite would be during Christmas when I was clearly in town and ALL I WANTED to do was hang out with friends and party and no one invited me out... but you did carry on the tradition I started, without me. You know the sad thing.. is I wanted to move to So. Cal so bad, but I mainly did it so I could be closer to all my "friends". So, If I stopped making extravagant efforts to hang out.. can YOU really blame me?