Uhm Really?

I don't even know where to begin, cause this post is about to be a giant vent, but before that... I'll update you on what is going on in my life.  Which is has always not a whole lot. 2011 is going to be my year. Just so you all know. I just need to get there. Step by Step Right?  My one dilemma in life is that I love doing so many different things that I am alright at, However.. I haven't found something I am GREAT at. As you can tell by my million blogs. Which you should go check out if you haven't. Hmm What else...? Oh! I redecorated my studio.. which is nice, but that is still a work in progress (so pictures at another time).. Brandon got me a new cellphone, a Blackberry Curve as an early Valentines Day gift = ) So, it's nice to be able to be in contact with society in that way. Today was my first day of Classes.. but we won't get into that.. and on a sadder note... January 31st we had to put Brandon's childhood dog to sleep = /.

So, Here is my Vent. It is something I haven't vented about publically because for the most part I don't like to cause drama and cause I really don't like to talk about it. However, It has been building up inside and I just want to get out.. and I can say it better in a blog then verbally. Maybe no one will read it.. maybe someone will.. I don't care at this point.

I have always been a social person. I have always gone out of my way for others, especially my friends. You see I am the kind of friend who is madly loyal. I have a core group of close friends and then acquaintances pretty much. However, I have never felt my efforts were reciprocated, but I did it anyways. That is fine with me for the most part. It's when it starts being abused,turned around on me or, blatantly unnoticed that my feelings really get hurt. I am naturally a social person. I like going out and having fun, but lately I have become more introverted and some of it by choice, but most of it not. I can't pinpoint when the downfall began exactly, but the turning point would be my last year of high school.

You see, in middle school and high school I was ALWAYS sick and I would see many doctors and they would all say I was fine.. I knew I wasn't. My friends would ask what was up and I would tell them the latest theory only for it to fall through. Soon I stopped telling my friends anything, cause I could see the judgement in their eyes, just like my doctors. Nothing is wrong with her, she is just making it up, she just doesn't want to go to school. I became severely depressed my last year of high school. If I wasn't going to school cause I was sick, I wasn't going because I literally couldn't get out of bed, I was so depressed. You can ask my mom, I was a mess. The Non-stop crying, literally melting into my bed. I just didn't want to exist. I sometimes feel like that now on a bad day or days like today when I am reminded of these times. I was recently diagnosed with a whole bunch of medical issues and I thank my lucky stars that I found Dr. Cook and that he actually listened to my problems and solved them. All of them are big in there own way but the 2 problems that kept me from living my life in middle school and high school and sometimes now are Endometreosis and my allergy to Gluten! Which Means I try to be Gluten free as much as possible.. it is quite hard.

When my friends left for their 1st year of college. I tried to stay in touch as much as possible. I'd write them letters, visit them, and hang out when they came into town. Then something changed. I don't understand exactly why.. and I don't think it is fair and how it all went down just kind of sucks. I started dating Brandon and all of a sudden there was a shift. I don't understand this... my friends all of a sudden didn't want to hang out with him as a group. Invite him and I anywhere and eventually just not inviting me. Now, I understand that there is girl time and couple time and stuff. I never had a problem with this.. BUT they NEVER wanted Brandon around. It was like I was only theirs and I couldn't be shared. Was this cause I devoted so much of my time to them in high school? I don't know. I didn't find it fair cause I never had a problem when they wanted to go hang out with their boyfriends, or have their boyfriends hang with us, but some how the feeling wasn't mutual.

And Then I got Engaged. Lets just say the joy your friends are suppose to have for you, when you get engaged, was never shared with me. Which is absolutely heartbreaking to me, cause I would happy for them. I understand I was/am young and Brandon and I do have our problems.. but I didn't say yes, without thinking through it. That is when people really started treating me differently. and I lost two of my Best Friends.. people I considered sisters and had always been there for. (I won't re-call the whole incident cause It really hurts me to talk about it) but that is when I felt like parents do when they get divorced. My other two friends in the group had to split their time between me and the other two girls and it felt like I was on the losing end.

Then Somehow  it all turned on me and I was the bad friend? I didn't call them to hang out.. I didn't make the effort. but doesn't it work both ways. I have commented their facebooks, I have text them, I have invited them to go out with me, to hang out, to my birthday. Only to be given a second of their time. They haven't taken time out of their day to call me to hang out, to go to lunch, to a party, they haven't texted me or commented on my facebook... So tell me how am I the only one at fault how am I the bad friend? Why do I feel like I am the one being punished? How is THAT fair?  It kills me when I see "friends" all together at a party that I wasn't invited.. when they all made the effort to drive to Santa Barbara to hang out.. yet they couldn't drive 5 minutes out of there way for my birthday party? When I asked if you were going to that persons house for a party (when you knew I already couldn't go) and lie to my face saying they aren't having it... only to see the pictures on facebook. WHY LIE?! I couldn't go anyways... so why couldn't you tell me. My favorite would be during Christmas when I was clearly in town and ALL I WANTED to do was hang out with friends and party and no one invited me out... but you did carry on the tradition I started, without me. You know the sad thing.. is I wanted to move to So. Cal so bad, but I mainly did it so I could be closer to all my "friends". So, If I stopped making extravagant efforts to hang out.. can YOU really blame me?

Twenty-One

Hello Party People!

Starting off first.. I have a joint blog with my fiance.. so If anyone.. and my anyone I mean ONE... of you readers would like to check it our... please feel free to do...
http://brandongregorio.blogspot.com/

Now, off to my thoughts going on in my brain now.. So much. I just posted my 1st blog entry on my joint blog and that is exciting...
I am Now home in Toluca Lake and having a blast. A lot to say really and I'm sure, I will forgot half the things I wanted to say while typing this. We will start off with my Trip to San Jose... 2 weeks ago I made a trip to San Jose.. For several reasons.. My Mom's birthday.. she turned a beautiful 30 years old and honestly hasn't aged a day! ; ).. on top of that was my brother in-law Nick's Graduation and Going Away Party (to boot camp) and Linnea asked me to baby sit Alec and Makenna Memorial Weekend. Which I was glad to do. My trip started a little drive back the 7th (Monday). Brandon was with me the weekend before for our 1 year of engagement so on the 24th (monday) I decided to drive up with him and than fly back down on the 8th (tuesday). We scrambled to clean, my house... pack and get our kitties all situated....this was the longest I had ever left them on their own. The trip ended up being pretty much a bust... Minus hanging out with B mostly. Brandon and I both had to work the night of Nick's Graduation.. which, we were okay with cause we'd make it up to him by being at his grad. party.. which Nick than decided he didn't want because he wasn't going to join the marines anymore! So besides My mom's birthday and babysitting.. I had come up for nothing... I for the most part enjoyed the trip though and came home Tuesday night(the 8th) to 2 alive cats and a surprisingly STILL clean place.

What else...what else. I have seen 3 movies since the trip and now. Killers (with Brandon, Tim Burton's/Disney's Alice In Wonderland and Shutter Island. Killers was a decently good and funny movie.. probably not worth what we paid, since we watched the movie in Oakridges XD theater... (Which is a bigger screen, more seats, and WAY more comfortable seats) The movie could have been a little bit longer and had more actual plot to it.. but it was the perfect date movie for Brandon and I. Alice in Wonderland was alright has well.. Visually it was stunning and the story line was really good, but I'm glad I waited to watch it OnDemand than see it in theaters. I have never been a huge fan of Alice In Wonderland though.. so, I didn't have high expectations in the first place.. Then, there was Shutter Island. Which was a great psychological thriller and Martin Scorcese can do no wrong. It is NOT as scary as it portrays it to be and is definitely an intriguing movie.

Also, Since I have been home.. I have finished reading L.A. Candy by Lauren Conrad. Which was a decent book. Not a MUST read but nice, light, fun read for us girls. Than I read The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner by Stephenie Meyers. For those, who don't know the book. It's really a "short story" about one of the newborns from the Twilight Sagas: Eclipse. It is basically shows the newborns story.point of view.. instead of Bella's. I originally found out about the book from Perez Hilton.. Saying that as a gift to her followers Stephenie Meyers put the short story up for free on the website... I being the OCD weird person I am debated if I wanted to actual buy the book or read it for free. A few things made my Decision. 1. I prefer reading actual BOOKS 2. It wasn't expensive and money from the book went to the American Red Cross and 3. I just wanted to complete collection for my series.. even if it wasn't the actual saga books it tied into them. Overall I enjoyed the book more than I though I would. Now, I am beginning to read Love The One Your With by Emily Giffin. If you have read my blogs, you may notice this name come up often.. I have become a big fan of her books because, they are real woman, and real woman experiences and thoughts and it's funny. I am excited to start this book, and just as excited to discover she has a new book out as well.

Oh, those sleeping pills are definitely kicking in now... being home Has been Nice.. not too eventful but nice. I have been going on my walks, which keep me in shape and get me out of those house.. Today, on my walk so many people slowed their cars down to point, wave and take pictures of me.. I guess they thought I was famous.. which is funny cause i'm NOT.. but I didn't ruin their fun.. I just smiled and waved back.. (btw I had a hat and sunglasses on..so my face wasn't exactly clear)Friday (the 11th) I drove down to Irvine and enjoyed the day with Natasha and Her friend Bobby. We shopped,ate and talked. GOOD DAY. It was really fun, especially all the dumb jokes that natasha and I make up. Hmm.. besides that nothing TOO crazy. Alright... can barely keep my eyes open.. NIGHT!

HAHA WOW... I ended and than posted this without even addressing what my actual Title means. 21. I turn 21 in roughly 4 months! So this is a crazy night and fun night for most people. However here is my Delemma.... my 21st birthday falls on a MONDAY! Uhm, people, have school, work, etc. So... that won't be too fun. I'm also, the only one of my friends who will be 21. So, simple solituion would be have your birthday at a places that serves alcohol but I can still have underage people with me.. I.E. a resturant of some sorts and Just have my birthday later in the weekend... the latter issue is the real problem. My birthday is only 6 days away from Halloween, so most people will be in Santa Barbara.. so I will have to celebrate it a week...2 weeks,, after my real 21st... THAN I realize that I only have 3 best friends. Natasha,Brandon and Natalie. and Natalie will be in England. Leaving.. just Natasha,Brandon and I.. which actually isn't a HUGE problem.. but I want my closest friends there and I want a PARTY. lol. I'm sure I will figure this issue out.. but it was just something that was bothering me! Okay, Night for REALS

I Am Blessed

Everyone had their good days and their bad days, but the one thing I always need to remember is how blessed I am. I am blessed to have found my loving and amazing fiance, I am Blessed to have the friends that I still have.. cause those are who real friends are and most of all to have such an AMAZING family.

I am Blessed.

I am blessed to have the opportunities that I have been given thanks to the love, support and generosity of my family. There is this saying that I got from my friend Natalie "Friends are the family you wish you had" which makes sense because friends really know you in a different way than your family does. However, family would (at least they should) always be there for you to support you. REALLY they should unless you've committed some horrible unspeakable act. Otherwise, family never lets you down. At least mine doesn't. I may not always see eye to eye with my family, but I know that they love me and I love them. I am Blessed.

It amazes me about how some people don't value family as much. How some people can be SO SO SO SO SO SO selfish and delusional. I feel sorry for the people who don't have family, but if you can rise above that, say "fuck you" and find people who love you and support you. Then You are Blessed.

We often take for granted how blessed we are.

One Week Down...

It has finally been a full week since I have moved down to Burbank. How has my experience been so far.....? eh. I can't exactly explain it. Driving and parking are definitely something I will have to get used to down here. Since being down here I have already received a speeding ticket and parking citation. The parking citation kind of sucked..You see, down here they have certain days for street sweeping, which means on those days you cannot park on the street from 8am to 10am. Which sucks even more for me since I do not have a car port and only have street parking. Now, the city is smart and the opposite sides of the road are on different days. My side is Wednesday and the other side is Tuesday. So, Tuesday night i move my car into the court across the street, solving my problem...or so I thought... Apparently, although the court is on the Tuesday side of the street, the court also get cleaned on Wednesday, leaving me with a $40 citation. = ( Besides, that parking in general down here is new to me, most places have small behind the building parking lots that fill quick, which means parking on the street and usually parallel parking. Now, my parallel parking skills have never been terrible.. however, I avoid it as much a possible and usually only parallel park when I know for sure I room to fit. Now, down here all of a sudden; I am the parallel parking queen, it is crazy, how quick and easy it for me. Driving as well is different yet, I am managing, people drive a little more quicker and pushier then I am used to and almost all left hand turns are unprotected. So, I have to definitely keep my guard up and be an amazing defensive driver. Otherwise, I am adapting well.

What Else?
So far, I have eaten breakfast and dinner at Paty's; which was yummy and have stopped off at Target, the post office and Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Overall my experience with people here as been AMAZING. [Sidebar:although I Live in Burbank, I am in the are of Toluca Lake and that's where most these places are] I have come to find that Toluca Lake and the people of Toluca Lake are so friendly! I love how it has a touch of LA/Hollywood but without the bitchiness of it. Wherever I go people start conversations with me and greet me on the streets. Just lovely.
Today, I was going to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and this old man and I started a conversation. His son owns the Mexican grill next to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and the man said if I ever come in and he is there, that I will be his special guest. Could be creepy, but I could tell he was generally a nice man. Also, today I bought lemonade from Miley Cyrus' little sister Noah. Her and her friend were selling lemonade to raise money for the people of Haiti, on the corner near Bob's Big Boy. It was really cute. PS. Although, I have been told Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf is phenomenal I have yet to be impressed by the green tea, it is atrocious... but, I have yet to try their coffee, so hopefully they can redeem their good name.

Besides good friendly people, we can talk about... not so, friendly people. Ugh! The other day I lost two of my best friends (now former best friends) the reasons for this in my opinion are childish. I have a feeling that this is something that was going to happen and I had prolonged from happening, since they have been my close friends for years. The circumstances of how it went down, I wish were different. I honestly have so much to say to them. but probably never will since now, they are useless and saying them on a blog post is just as useless and lame. It is just unfortunate that people can be so selfish and hurtful and blinded. That was something that definitely made this move a downer, especially since a small part of moving down here was to be closer to them.

On a happier note, I have almost finished building everything, that I got at IKEA. Thanks to the help of my dad who is visiting for the weekend. My table is now upright in the kitchen and not laying on it's side, the coffee table and drawer are built and I have Internet and cable service. = ) All that is left is to build the desk and then I can REALLY start unpacking everything and giving it, it's rightful place.

This week has had it's ups and it's downs, but it really is just to make me a stronger person.